Written by Wendy Monks-Janzen, Registered Psychologist (Prov)
Feeling Appreciated
Sometimes in relationships, we feel unappreciated, unvalued, or that our efforts are not acknowledged.
This can lead to a sense of buildup resentment, how we respond/react, pulling away from the relationship, or impacting how we may feel about ourselves.
A valuable reflective question to ask yourself is: What are my expectations of others?
For example, I expect the other person to say thanks for.., I appreciate.., or I expect that when I do a task the other person will see that as a sign to reciprocate with their efforts.
There are a couple of ways to navigate these expectations.
- Remember WHY do choose to do these tasks/make the effort. (i.e. I enjoy helping others, it brings me purpose or fulfills my life when I feel useful)
- Holding yourself accountable to those self-reasons of importance and reducing the expectation of effort in return—we can control what we do because it is important to us
- If wanting efforts to be reciprocated—communicate these, and communicate them again. Sometimes we can tell the other person what we need from them, or other times we assume they can see the signs of what we need—almost as though we expect them to read our minds.
It can be frustrating to remind the other person several times of what we expect or need from them (“they should know”)–to reduce this irritation, ongoing communication provides more successful results and brings clarity to what is being requested.
- Stating clearly and precisely what we need. (Unhelpful: “I need you to help around the house”–this can be too overwhelming to know where to begin. Helpful: “I’d appreciate it if you help make supper 3 days a week, let’s make a schedule of which days work best”)
Wendy works with adults, couples, children and youth.
Her office hours are Monday – Friday from 9 am – 4 pm.